


Make it up to you

by Bersenev



Category: Be More Chill - Iconis/Tracz
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Friends to Lovers, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-28
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-04-14 01:54:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,046
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14125578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bersenev/pseuds/Bersenev
Summary: Christine just broke up with Jeremy and Michael understands that his best friend needs his support right now. He really does.That doesn't mean that he can keep doing it forever and maybe it's time that Jeremy realizes that.





	Make it up to you

**Author's Note:**

> Hey!
> 
> It's been a while I published anything for this fandom and I swear I'll get around to updating "The way he looked like they were best friends" sometime!!!  
> But this has been sitting around for a few months now and I decided I might as well post it.  
> I wrote this oneshot with the help off [upsidearound](http://upsidearound.tumblr.com/) and the [mentor/mentee network](https://ff-writers-mentor-mentee-network.tumblr.com/)
> 
> So thanks again to my mentor and the network and I hope you enjoy reading this!!
> 
> Have a nice day!

_ Ring. Ring. Ring. _

 

Michael sleepily felt around himself for his phone, knocking down several smaller objects in the process...

 

_ Ring. Ring. Ring. _

 

He was sure he had put it next to him when he went to sleep.

 

_ Ring. Ring. Ring. _

 

His hand landed on the braces he forgot to wear this night, on some tissues and random objects he couldn’t place right now, but his phone was still nowhere to be found. He didn’t have a good feeling about this call with how the day and even searching for his mobile was going.   
  
Next where some pieces of paper and a string. No, no string. He followed what he identified as a cable with his fingertips, reaching a smooth object attached to it. His gaming consoles were all safely stored away on one of his shelves, so it had to be his phone.For a moment Michael considered that he could have just turned on the light to find it, but he discards the thought quickly when the light of his screen hits him in the face.   
  
Unlocking his phone was something he could do with his eyes closed by now, not even thinking about it twice. However, the light still caught him off guard and made him close his eyes quickly. With a small sigh he moved the device over to his ear, as he rolled onto his back.    
  
“What’s up Jeremy?”    
  
Michael already knew the answer, but he still made a point of asked the same thing every time, a sort of ritual with the hope of the phone call being about something else for once.

 

The only thing he could hear on the other end was crying; he was used to it.

Since Christine had broken up with Jeremy he had been miserable, calling Michael in the middle of the night so Michael would comfort him, which he did, every time. An endless chant of “It’s okay.” “You’re safe.” “You’re not a bad person.” “You’re not the SQUIP.” “You’ll find someone else.”   
  


Michael was tired.

 

After all these years of friendship and pining, this was all he was good for apparently. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to be there for Jeremy, but it was three AM and he already had a bad day himself. On top of that, he couldn’t confide in anyone; he had stopped asking for help during the time Jeremy dated Christine and just never had time to be there for Michael.   
  


Actually, he had started keeping his troubles to himself way before that, even before the SQUIP incident. He had always been the one running after Jeremy and comforting him after all, there wasn’t a lot of space for his own problems.

 

But that was fine. This was what best friends were there for right? They helped you get over a break up...the seventh day in a row...without a single thanks...

 

He should feel bad for Jeremy, Michael thought, his jaw clenched shut tightly, his knuckles white. He really should but...it was hard to feel bad for someone after the bad day he has had. Considering that Jeremy still barely talked to him outside of using him as a shoulder to cry on, he might even have felt justified in not wanting to deal with Jeremy’s problems right now.

 

“Jeremy–“ Michael said with a strain in his voice, his voice a little too high in a desperate attempt to sound friendly, or at least non-threatening. “I’d really like to help you right now, but it’s three in the morning, I had a shitty day, which you don’t care about and I’d rather not put work into this one-sided relationship right now. Just...I get it, you’re sad because your perfect girlfriend broke up with you, but maybe you should consider that I’m an actual human being and not some kind of robot.”

 

He wasn’t sure if he actually managed to sound calm during his small rant, but seeing the small indents his nails had left in his palm from balling his hands into fists he didn’t think so; he immediately felt his heart sink when he heard Jeremy’s breath hitch.

 

“Oh god, I’m sorry Jeremy. Ignore that, okay? It’s fine. I know this is hard for you. I’ll talk about this with you tomorrow. Everything will be fine, don’t worry.”

 

Michael hung up without waiting for an answer, raking his hands through his hair roughly with a frustrated groan.   
  


He shouldn’t be angry at Jeremy right now, he hadn’t done anything.

 

But wasn’t that exactly the problem? That Jeremy didn’t do anything? He was unaware of other people’s emotion to the point that his girlfriend broke up with him. He just hadn’t understood her at all, leaving her alone with the emotional trauma his little stunt with the SQUIP had caused.

 

They all had a problem or two more since then, had all struggled with coming to terms with the experience, but Jeremy didn’t notice.

 

He didn’t notice how it took everything out of Michael to act as if nothing had happened, as if his best friend hadn’t ultimately proven that there were things he’d never do for Michael, while Michael was willing to do everything for him.   
  


_ You feel used _ , a part of Michael suggested, and as much as he didn’t want to admit it, he really did.   
  
The worst thing about feeling used was that Michael was sure that he’d still be friends with Jeremy.   
  
He’d still love him, would still be there for him, would still apologize tomorrow and bring Jeremy some Mountain Dew Red and his favourite snacks and let him win at Apocalypse of the Damned because Jeremy being happy was enough; Michael didn’t need anything else.   
  
He has been head over heels in love for years now, and despite the fact that his perception of Jeremy had changed, his feelings hadn’t changed. It was just that some other feelings had started being there too.   
  
Feelings of betrayal and mistrust and jealousy. Feelings he couldn’t deny anymore if he wanted to keep his limited mental health. Feelings he’d never be honest about because he valued Jeremy’s happiness over his own.   
  
In the end, Michael couldn’t fall back asleep that night.   
  
  
\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------   
  
Was it the sixth time Jeremy woke up crying from a nightmare or the seventh?   
He didn’t know. If it wasn’t for his classes he would have lost sight of which day it was completely.   
  
At this point Jeremy was pretty sure his mental state wasn’t just due to his break-up.   
  
Maybe at first it had been, when he was sad and felt guilty because he knew he should have done something differently but he just couldn’t pinpoint what. Either way, Christine had been his one true love and yet maybe the most shocking thing had been that he wasn’t sad about the breakup itself because he loved Christine; he was just sad that he failed.   
  
He was sad that he hadn’t managed to make her happy and to make up for the mistake that was called SQUIP.   
  
He felt guilty and confused; not knowing when he had fallen out of love to begin with or when being with Christine had become a chore.   
  
The first day after the breakup Jeremy had gone to see Michael. He hadn’t shed a single tear as he had retold what Christine had said to him.   
  
“ _ I feel like I don’t even know you anymore Jeremy. You used to be so nice and gentle and lately you’ve just been distant and no matter what I do you just won’t talk to me about this. Sometimes I feel like you’re back to what the SQUIP wanted you to be and that’s just not what I need right now. I’ve moved on Jeremy, maybe you should too. _ ”   
  
He stayed over at Michael’s that day.   
  
Despite being around Michael, the person he trusted the most, he still couldn’t sleep properly. He woke up in cold sweat several times, never remembering what he dreamed of. Wondering about what his brain had come up with during his sleep rendered him helpless at first, later hopeless on top of that.   
  
The next night he woke up from a nightmare again, but without the reassuring presence of Michael next to him and his flat being empty aside from himself a deep fear took ahold of his heart. Breathing became harder and harder as he frantically looked around, trying to make sure that he was indeed in his own room.   
  
He couldn’t hear anything but his own laboured breathing and the loud drumming of his heartbeat in his head.    
  
It made him feel even more unsafe, even more alone.   
  
For a moment it was as if everyone had really left him, as if the SQUIP had gotten them all and turned them into some mindless puppets and for a moment there was the possibility that Michael wasn’t going to come to his rescue this time.   
  
And as Jeremy thought that he couldn’t possibly deal with all of this on his own he saw a bright electronik light next to him flare up. He reached out for it quickly, his shaking hands unlocking the screen quickly to be greeted with a message from Michael.   
  
**Player 1** : Hey, just wanted to make sure you were okay.    
**Player 1** : Since yesterday didn’t really seem like a one day thing?   
  
The upper left corner of the screen indicated that Michael was currently typing out another message but Jeremy didn’t feel able to wait for Michael to finish it. Instead he quickly switched apps, calling Michael.   
  
His hands were still shaking, his breathing was still uneven, just a hair’s width away from hyperventilating and his mind was still filled with the rushing of his blood and the beating of his heart.   
  
Michael answered on the second ring, making Jeremy let out a shuddering breath he didn’t know he was holding.   
  
“Michael!” he nearly screamed before tears slowly filled his eyes. “Michael I’m so glad you answered I – ”, he choked back a sob “ – I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I just woke up and everything went to shit from there.”   
  
After that it had become a nightly thing. Jeremy would wake up from nightmares that became more and more graphic and gruesome in their content, often leaving him shivering and unable to move for a while, before he’d call Michael to calm him down.   
  
At least it had been a nightly thing until today.    
  
Jeremy just had the worst dream of them all, not because it was bloody or even very creative or somehow scary. No, it was the worst because it only consisted of memories of his from the time the SQUIP had influenced him. All of the bad things he had done, every time he had betrayed Michael or treated Christine’s affection like a price to be won had been taunting him.   
  
When he woke up the guilt seemed to choke him.   
  
He had known for a while now that he couldn’t just ignore the things he had done under the pretense that it wasn’t his fault, that obviously it had been the SQUIP doing it, not him. Still at that moment all he wanted to hear was that everything was fine. That he wasn’t a bad person, that Michael wouldn’t leave him, that everything would be fine.   
  
He didn’t get that.

  
What he got was a Michael that sounded utterly disgusted and annoyed with him and a phone-call that ended before he could even explain himself.   
  
Of course. Of course Michael would leave him alone at a moment like that. What did he even expect? That the guy he had called a loser and left alone in a burning building would actually forgive him? It had just been a matter of time until Michael’s patience has reached it’s end, but why, why did that have to be know?   
  
Jeremy needed him and all Michael did was rub salt into the wound.   
  
The anger was so irrational and unfair but he couldn’t find it in himself to care as he angrily rubbed at his eyes, willing his tears to stop.   
  
So what? Michael didn’t have time for him anymore and abandoned him in the middle of the night; who even cared about that. Jeremy surely didn’t. At least that’s what he told himself as he angrily wiped at his eyes with his fists.   
  
What was Michael even going on about. He knew perfectly well that this wasn’t just about Christine. Also since when did Jeremy not care about how Michael’s day went or how he felt? He asked him about it every day, didn’t he?   
  
Actually, Jeremy didn’t remember when he had last called Michael just to talk and ask about his feelings. He lowered his hands from his face, still sniffling, wrecking his scrambled brain for an answer. Had he really been that selfish lately?   
  
For a moment he had let anger and exhaustion get the best of him, but know that the nightmare slowly faded and left space for critical thought he could feel the guilt come back at full capacity. It slowly closed its hands around Jeremy’s throat.   
  
He had to write Michael.   
  
**Player2** : Michael I’m sorry   
**Player2** : I didn’t mean to make you feel like that   
**Player2** : Let’s spend some time together soon? You can tell me about your week   
**Player2** : I’m really really sorry Michael   
  
Michael didn’t answer.   
  
For the rest of the night Jeremy stayed huddled up in his blanket, holding his phone out in front of him, checking for messages from Michael. He was tired and afraid.   
  
What if this night had been the last straw? He might have noticed that he had been a bad friend lately but what if that wasn’t all there was to it? He probably had a lot of things to apologize for and maybe Michael had grown tired of waiting for Jeremy to catch up on his behaviour.   
  
Jeremy couldn’t blame him because even someone as patient and genuinely good as Michael must reach his limit at some point. It actually was akin to a miracle that it hadn’t happened sooner; after all Jeremy had taken him for granted way before he had left him alone in a mall to catch a ride with a girl he hadn’t even been interested in.   
  
His chest felt cold and still as he recounted all the times he had treated Michael so much worse than he had deserved. He really was as heartless and inconsiderate as Christine had said during one of their many arguments leading up to their break-up.   
  
_ I have to talk him about this _ , Jeremy thought with a newfound determination in his eyes. He still felt guilty, nearly overwhelmingly so, he still felt sad and abandoned but more than that he felt like he was doused in cold water when he imagined Michael leaving him.   
  
He could deal with Christine being gone, could deal with everyone else disappearing but never Michael. Michael was the only one he didn’t want to lose if he could help it. 

 

And just like that Jeremy had made a decision. 

 

He’d fix this. He’d become someone that was able to do right by Michael and he'd start doing it the very next day.

 

\-------—-—————————————————————

 

Michael could see his phone screen flare up several times in a row from what he assumed was Jeremy texting him but he didn't feel like reading whatever Jeremy had decided to crytype now that he couldn't use Michael as his personal sorrow slave. 

 

After the messages stopped he sat in silence for a few minutes just staring into black void around him, letting his negative emotions vanish in it. 

 

It didn't work. Instead Michael just felt like the darkness around him weigh him down. It felt almost tangible and it fueled the uneasiness he felt every time he resisted the urge to give everything he had to Jeremy.    
  


Even now while he was exhausted and felt utterly broken and aware of how he'd never be thanked for being Jeremy’ s personal doormat he had the urge to keep going. To read what Jeremy wrote, to call him back, to comfort him and just be there for him. 

 

He turned his phone off without reading the messages. 

 

He didn't go to any of his classes during the day. 

 

He didn't bother turning his phone back on when he woke up at six in the evening to make himself some food. 

 

The next day he woke up to the sound of Bob Marley being played loudly somewhere outside of his flat. His glasses were digging into his face painfully and he was tangled in his sheets to the point that uncoordinatedly pulling at random parts of the blanket resulted in him falling out of his bed. 

 

Though the shock and pain woke him up he still heard the music he had presumed was part of a dream he had, making him slowly slouch around his flat to pinpoint where it came from; a task that involved him putting his ears on several walls in his disoriented state. 

 

After a minute of uselessly playing detective he passed one of his windows. 

 

Jeremy stood outside with an old school boom box. 

 

He pressed his ear against the wall next to his bed again before he fully processed what he just saw and ran back towards the window, tripping slightly over one of the many cords that were scattered throughout the room. 

 

For a moment Michael fully expected that he had hallucinated but when he looked outside again the view was still the same as a few seconds ago. Jeremy. A boom box. Bob Marley music. In his front yard. 

He could see Jeremy start to grin as he hesitantly opened his window, his eyebags clearly visible even meters away where Michael stood. 

 

“I thought you'd never notice me before your neighbors start complaining “ Jeremy looked tired. His clothes were lazily thrown together, nothing like the carefully picked and stylish clothes he insisted on wearing after the SQUIP. His hair wasn't styled either. 

 

One would believe that it was a bad thing to see Jeremy like that but to Michael it was like the boy he had fallen in love with all those years ago had finally returned. 

 

Sure he didn't look all stylish and put together and it was obvious that he wasn't fine but the way he smiled at Michael made his heart melt despite everything that had transpired between them. It was a small and broken smile full of all the unsaid apologies that had accumulated over the years. 

 

“I really enjoy this pre 2000 chick flick vibe you're going for but how about you turn that off before someone calls the police?” He had to yell to even be heard over the gnarly sound of one of his favorite musicians and it just added to the ridiculousness of the situation, draining even the last bit of tension from the last few days. 

 

“I can’t!” 

 

“Why not?” The incredulous look Jeremy made Michael laugh quietly. He looked as if Michael had just proposed to go burn their video game collections. 

 

“Because I’m not done yet! “ With that said Jeremy turned around picking up a big sign from the grass holding it up as high as possible. 

 

In a very crude attempt to mimic a pixelated font it read ‘Be my Player 1”. 

 

Michael started laughing winking Jeremy inside when it didn't seem like he could stop anytime soon. 

He was still laughing softly when he heard Jeremy let himself in with his spare key and dump his props next to the door breathing heavily. 

 

“What was that about?” Michael asked trying to supress the smile that hadn't left since the start of this situation and failing miserably at it. 

 

“Well– “Jeremy smiled back uncertainly “–I suppose you didn't read my messages but that's good because I should do this in person. I wanted to apologize. For everything. I haven't been a good friend in a long time; longer than I would like to admit really…” 

 

Jeremy’s shoulders were tense as he spoke, his gaze landing everywhere but Michael. His discomfort was painfully obvious and if the current conversation was any less important Michael would have hugged him and told him to stop. But as it where Michael couldn't bear to stop listening. 

 

“I know I haven't payed much attention to you lately and even less treated you as an equal. I've been going on and on about myself refusing to even consider anyone else’s feelings. I've acted as if you owed me everything you did. “

 

For the first time since Jeremy started talking he looked directly at Michael. His eyes were wet and his hands and legs trembled. 

 

“I am really sorry Michael. And I know that's not going to cut it. I know just saying sorry isn't going to fix years of taking everything you did for me for granted and I can't promise immediate change. But I really want to try. It might take a while. It might take a lot of talking and pointing out if I act like shit but... I'd really like to try if you'd still have me. “

 

A lot of things were going through Michael’s head in that moment. Was Jeremy serious about this? Did he spent the entire night preparing this? Did he buy a Bob Marley CD just to re-enact a movie trope to make Michael laugh? Would it be inappropriate to kiss Jeremy? 

 

In the end he was too overwhelmed to do more than nod but apparently that was enough. In front of him he saw Jeremy stop shaking, a genuine smile taking over his face once again. 

 

“I was really scared you would say no.” Jeremy’s voice was trembling ever so slightly. 

 

“I was so scared I’d lose you. These past few days that was all I could think about and when I finally noticed what I've been doing this whole time I was so sure it was already too late for you to ever accept my apology. “ With every word the trembling got stronger until Michael was again met with a sobbing Jeremy, but for the first time in forever Michael joined him. 

 

Displays of emotions like these didn't happen often between them, so when Michael answered and poured his heart out to Jeremy it wasn't something he was used to. It felt stilted and weird to open up. Voicing his insecurities felt unnatural and vulnerable. 

“I could never leave you Jeremy. No matter what you did or where you went I was always ready to follow and I never really considered that you might do the same one day. “

 

_ You didn't either did you _ , Michael thought as he watched Jeremy flinch at his words. 

  
"I guess I'll just have to prove myself then."    
  
It wasn't much. It wasn't even a promise and to anyone else it might have sounded aloof and unsure but to Michael it meant the world.    
  
Sure maybe his standards were low. Maybe he was a fool for running after his crush for years against all odds. Maybe he was a fool for feeling as tragically happy about this simple declaration after he had just spent over a day in total isolation because of the same guy.    
  
But in that moment he felt at peace hoping. He felt at peace with Jeremy asking him about new artists he liked, with listening to his new CD's together, with quietly talking about things they hadn't talked about before while sitting on the ground.    
  
And maybe it wasn't perfect but they tried.    
  
It wasn't perfect when they went over Jeremy's apology for Christine.    
  
It wasn't perfect when she accepted the apology and for a brief moment Jeremy saw what they could have been together.    
  
It wasn't perfect when it was them against the world again just trying to get by and it wasn't perfect when Jeremy stood in Michael's front yard again playing ‘Careless Whisper’ with the same old boom box, asking him to date him.    
  
That was fine with Michael. It might never be perfect but it was enough, he thought as he looked at Jeremy burning pancakes in his kitchen again after spending the night.    
  
They'd be fine.


End file.
